


The Shortest Season of Top Chef Ever Filmed

by taishige



Category: Arashi (Band), Kanjani8 (Band), SMAP, TOKIO, V6
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Crazy Cooks, Impossible Happenings, Insanity, Kusanagi loves to tap, M/M, Madness, Pointless Violence, Top Chef, Violent Images, WTF, What is even going on?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-28
Updated: 2013-06-28
Packaged: 2017-12-16 10:44:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,126
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/861165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/taishige/pseuds/taishige
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The 56th season of Top Chef Japan is about to start!  What trials await our team of master chefs this time?</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Shortest Season of Top Chef Ever Filmed

**Author's Note:**

> I REALIZED I NEVER REPOSTED THIS. Which I thought was rather weird, and since I like to have everything in the same place, I figured I'd go ahead and do it now. This was my fic for [](http://je-otherworlds.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://je-otherworlds.livejournal.com/)**je_otherworlds** back in June in which I got to go crazy with tons of JE peeps and create something reeking of pure insanity, but I sure enjoyed it! I figure most people here have read it already lol.

Twelve chefs.

Twelve days.

But only one can be named the top chef in all of Japan.

Don't turn that dial--an all new season is about to begin. As Top Chef Japan begins its 56th season, join twelve all new contestants--master chefs from all across Japan, ready to duke it out in a brawl of culinary wits as they vie for the most coveted title in all chefdom.

Twelve contestants. Twelve personalities. Twelve unique cooking styles.

We join our host, Kimura Takuya, atop the recently-completed Tokyo Sky Tree as he waits to welcome the twelve culinary masters.

_Host: Kimura Takuya_

"That's right, I'm here at the Tokyo Sky Tree, where I've just been informed that the twelve master chefs we invited refused their invitations."

Kimura shifts in his stark-white pressed suit, microphone hung loose between his fingers. A man rushes from off-screen to hand him a slip of folded paper.

"...but never fear! We're happy to inform you that last-minute replacements have been found in the form of random... people found on the... street nearby..."

The audience laughs good-naturedly.

Kimura turns towards the staff and drops his mike

"You've gotta be fu-"

_CONTESTANT NUMBER 1_

"I like to consider myself a pastry master."

A swirl of oven mitts. A flash of silken locks.

"Yamashita-san, how long have you been cooking pastries?"

Yamashita looks up from his _Better Homes and Garden Kitchen Planner_ with a brilliant smile.

"Just yesterday, actually. When I found out I was gonna be cooking in this contest, I figured I should look up some tips, and you know? Pastries, right? They're really deep, I mean... look at these cheddar bay biscuits--you can just feel the emotion put into each cheesy morsel--"

Yamashita is shown standing outside a _Sakura Hostel_ in Ikebukuro, staring up at the clouds as people walk by.

"I'm a loner by nature. I don't really have a home to go back to."

Brightly colored donuts fill the screen.

"But pastries have given me a new meaning to my life.

Yamashita takes ones of the chocolate-cream donuts as it zooms out to reveal the _Mr. Donut_ logo on the side.

"I want to make people happy with flaky dough."

Back to the Tokyo Sky Tree. Yamashita is standing alongside Kimura with a pale pink t-shirt reading "I Donut Care Anymore".

"I'm really excited to be here today, Kimura-san."

"I'm glad for that, but could you wait until I ask you a question to respond?"

"I just really love cooking is all."

"You've been cooking less than twenty-four hours!"

_CONTESTANT NUMBER 2_

"I don't know why I'm here."

A camera is shoved into a boy with glasses' face as he attempts to read his book on classical Japanese literature.

"I'm supposed to be studying--I have finals in a few weeks."

"But you do enjoy cooking, right, Ninomiya-san?"

Nino throws his book at the camera and stomps off.

"I'm going to sue whoever's running this f***ing TV show."

Nino is shown barricading the door to his apartment. A member of the staff places a bowl of steaming ramen just outside the door before a dramatic camera angle is pulled, profiling the ramen against the setting sun.

_A DESPERATE COLLEGE STUDENT WITH A LOVE OF COOKING_

"Pretty much all I can make is cup-ramen and fried rice."

Nino's sitting at a small outdoor cafe, sipping at an iced Starbucks caramel latte.

"...you're paying for this latte for me, right?"

Back to the Tokyo Sky Tree. Nino and Yamashita look at each other inquisitively. Nino makes a face at Yamashita's shirt.

_CONTESTANT NUMBER 3_

"I'm just a waiter, so I don't really do any actual cooking..."

An angry man in an apron shouts from the back-room as the restaurant bustles with hungry customers.

"But you do enjoy being around food, Yokoyama-san?"

"Well, I mean, it's kind of my job..."

The angry voice gets louder until the rotund, sweaty gentleman is right next to the camera.

"Get back to work, ya lazy f***er, or I'm taking it outta your pay!"

The camera shakes, flips, then falls to the floor.

Yoko sits out back next to the trash dumpster.

"I guess I could whip up a few things if I tried--we have to be familiar with the recipes and all..."

_AN INNER CHEF, WAITING TO BREAK OUT_

"Wait, what's the difference between starch and baking soda?"

Yoko holds two boxes in his hands in front of the stovetop in his small apartment, piles of vegetables and baking goods on the nearby countertops.

"Yeah, some cooking show--I'm not really sure, but at least they're paying me, that's all that matters."

Yoko's seated on his bed, barely visible through the crack in the door. He glances over before panicking, practically tripping as he slams the door closed.

Back to the Tokyo Sky Tree. Yoko shakes hands with Kimura before standing next to the silent Nino and Yamashita. Yamashita grins deeply and gives him a once-over.

"Quite the... eclectic bunch we've got here already..." Kimura's previously crisp suit appears a bit frazzled.

_CONTESTANT NUMBER 4_

"I am the mother-f***ing god of cooking!"

Flames appear across the screen.

A full deer is being roasted alive.

"You give it to me, I'll cook that son-of-a-b**ch."

A tall man with a wild perm throws a frying pan at the wall in anger. It cuts a giant hole in the drywall.

"Nagase-san, how long have you been cooking?"

Nagase grabs the microphone and shoves his face in the camera, eyes crazed.

"I came outta my mom's va-***-*** flippin' beef-steaks. I grilled a live tiger on a 750 degree cliff-face, f*** yeah!"

Nagase is seated on a bench in a park with a bag of bird feed, gently tossing it out to plucky pigeons wandering the concrete path.

"I've always been close to nature..."

His foot stomps down on the nearest pigeon, sending blood and entrails flying at the camera.

"'CUZ IT GIVES ME FRESH MEAT, B**CHES!"

He pulls a flaming pan out of the oven and laughs as it sets fire to the kitchen and the camera staff. A man runs across the screen completely engulfed in flames.

Back to the Tokyo Sky Tree. Nagase hops down from the rafters and pulls his sunglasses from his face. He towers over the other contestants.

"So I heard you guys were having a little competition here."

Staff rush over to fix the dent in the floor as Nagase begins checking out the other three, nodding his head in approval.

_CONTESTANT NUMBER 5_

"My dream is to combine my love of dance and my love of cooking for the world to see."

A man's shoes are shown tapping merrily across a checkered-tile floor. The screen pans up to show him flipping pancakes in a frying pan as he dances about.

"Kusanagi-san, what brought about this interest in dance-cooking?"

Kusanagi grins and begins spraying Pam® in an empty cupcake tray as he taps out a rousing rendition of Little Richard's _Tutti Frutti_.

"They're both such joy-filled activities, it seemed common sense to me to combine the two."

Kusanagi tap dances through a crowded Shinjuku Station, struggling to get his ticket into the gate as his feet click and clack about.

"I began learning dance from a young age--I watched the movie Holiday Inn with Fred Astaire and was simply taken."

A black-and-white Fred Astaire waltzes across the TV as Kusanagi mimics his movements on screen in his high-rise apartment.

"And I learned to cook from my mother. She always told me to 'stop dancing for a minute so I can get these buns in the oven'! But after I got my own buns in the oven through a little _Flight of the Bumblebee_ , she never told me to stop again!"

Kusanagi takes some milk out of his refrigerator as he taps away. Milk sprays across the floor as he tries to take a drink.

"We've had to board-up the apartment beneath his after thousands of complaints about heavy clunking from the ceiling all through the night."

Kusanagi's landlord sits emotionless at her desk, a little hula-girl dancing on top of her printer.

Back to the Tokyo Sky Tree. Kusanagi taps in from off-screen.

"Looks like we, uh... got ourselves a dancer here..." Kimura's vigor is all but gone. He stares at Kusanagi devoid of comprehension.

"Hello, my new friends." Kusanagi spins and stops his dance with a shuffle-hop-step.

Nagase chews his cud. "What are you, some kind of f--"

_CONTESTANT NUMBER 6_

"HAPPY!!"

A giant face appears smushed in the camera. An eye becomes visible, lashes blinking in rapid succession.

"I love food! Especially cake! And pudding!"

A kitchen is shown piled high with thousands of cupcakes, falling all over the tile. A flour-covered man is seen through the door rolling around in a pile of dough.

"Aiba-san, so you enjoy baking desserts?"

"Not just desserts! I also like making cookies!"

Aiba's face is back in the camera, eyes crossed as he laughs fish-eyed into the lens.

Now his bed is shown, covers all askew as he yawns and stretches, waking up to the rising sun just on the other side of the window.

"I want to own a bakery someday!"

Aiba is seen at one of the bakeries downtown, pondering what type of baked-good he wants as he stares into the glass cases.

"What is it you do now then, Aiba-san?"

"I'm actually a funeral director."

A weeping couple sits across from him at his desk, the woman with her face in a kerchief as her shoulders shake.

"I know just what it is you folks need!"

Aiba pulls out a chocolate-frosted cake with the words "Guess who just died!" written in yellow-glazed icing.

The woman takes one look and begins bawling even harder.

Back to the Tokyo Sky Tree. Aiba hops in from off-screen wearing a giant Doraemon sweatshirt.

"I'm so happy I get to cook with all of you! It'll be so much fun!"

Nino rolls his eyes before checking his watch. Yamashita seems mildly high as he smiles vacantly at the far wall. Kusanagi begins tapping circles around Aiba, who dances and flails in response.

Kimura stares at the camera open-mouthed.

_CONTESTANT NUMBER 7_

"..."

Dark rain clouds fill up the screen. Gentle drips fall onto the leaves of a wilting fern.

"...I don't really talk much, you'll have to excuse me."

A brush glides across a fresh, clean canvas, beautiful calligraphy traced one by one.

"I'm more of a thinker, I guess."

"But you do enjoy cooking, right, Nishikido-san?"

Ryo looks at the camera, eyes blank and dark, like deep shining pools.

"What is 'cooking' besides composing thoughts with food?"

Jet-black, glossy hair wisps across his forehead, lilting to and fro in the breeze as he walks across Rainbow Bridge. The camera zooms out for a breathtaking shot of the sea.

Crystal clear  
Waters that boil  
Amongst my troubled  
But bottomless soul 

"I'm kind of a poet, I guess..."

Ryo sits on his window-seat, staring out at the rain, face clouded with dubious affliction.

"I try to express myself in whatever ways I can."

"What's one word you'd use to describe yourself?"

He gazes into the camera, through the camera, his eyes cavernous orbs that reflect nothing but your very soul.

"...tumultuous."

Back to the Tokyo Sky Tree. Ryo walks in, the ground dark where he stands. He shields his eyes from the light radiating off Aiba.

"Yo, chill out, broseph. You take a giant sh*t and rip open your a**?" Flecks of spittle fly from Nagase's lips as he speaks.

Kusanagi begins dancing merrily beside Ryo, who looks like he's about to become ill.

_CONTESTANT NUMBER 8_

"Mostly I just like fish."

A giant net brimming with blue gill lands on the deck of a ship, sending the fish careening over the sides of the deck and swallowing the men beneath their oily fins.

"So you like to cook different fish dishes, Ohno-san?"

Ohno scrunches his face together before shaking his head lightly.

"...no. I just like catching them..."

A boat is seen across the water. The sun rises behind it in a gentle arc as Ohno's profile is seen with his fishing rod cast over the side.

"It's peaceful, I guess."

The sun is high in the sky now, warm and red.

"Some might call me a fishing aficionado."

The sun sets and Ohno's form hasn't moved an inch.

"Without fishing, my life wouldn't have meaning."

Ohno opens up the door to a giant refrigerator, carrying a bundle of fresh fish in his hand. The refrigerator turns out to be a walk-in fridge with shelf after shelf after shelf of fish, stacked on top of each other and nearly falling out the door.

"I've saved every fish I've ever caught."

He tosses the new fish on top of the pile and shuts the door with a clang.

Back to the Tokyo Sky Tree. Ohno walks in with an easy-going grin and a blue flannel shirt.

The other contestants' faces gradually turn sour, glancing around.

Aiba plugs his nose, voice nasally and squawking. "What's that smell?"

"Now that's just vile." Nino has taken a step backwards.

"Dude, you smell like burnt fish sh*t!"

"A rancid odor  
Wreaks havoc upon my pallid tongue.  
Swift, but sure  
A fishy lure."

_CONTESTANT NUMBER 9_

"From time to time, the tree of liberty must be watered with the blood of tyrants and patriots."

A bugle-horn plays in the background as the visage of a man appears in front of a shining window. He salutes.

"A young man who does not have what it takes to perform military service is not likely to have what it takes to make a living."

A patch of dirt is seen, right before a uniformed man flings himself down in it, rolling and tumbling, then charging up with his gun beneath his arm.

"I'LL KILL ALL YOU DAMN KIDS IF YOU DON'T STAY OFF MY LAWN."

"Sakamoto-san, you seem quite the fierce soldier."

"I'm a general, you nincompoop, and don't you forget it!"

Sakamoto is seen sitting at his kitchen table, carefully cleaning his gun and shining the barrel.

"Kids these days have no respect. We've lost all dignity in this country, what with the dancing, and the flashiness, and the tight-pants that cut off all circulation in one's testicles."

Sakamoto tip-toes awkwardly in visible pain as he tries to make it to the bathroom in a pair of jeggings.

"So, do you have much cooking experience?"

"Give me an MRE and a cup of high-quality joe and that's all I need in a five-star meal."

A box of unopened MREs sits on the floor of a ramshackle kitchen as Sakamoto eats cold goulash out of a gray plastic pouch.

"I love the smell of tomatoes in the morning..."

Back to the Tokyo Sky Tree. The contestants look around as they wait for the new arrival. Kimura looks especially confused, turning towards the staff and mouthing a number of questionable words.

Suddenly the nearby window shatters and Sakamoto leaps in, combat ACUs gracing his frame and a heavy Kevlar strapped over his head. Glass shards fly everywhere, littering the floor. Aiba screams.

"Da f***, we got ourselves a d**n mercenary here!"

Kusanagi attempts to tap a dance of welcome and slides on a shard of glass, slamming to the floor and slicing his face open. Yamashita picks a few shards out of his donut shirt.

"You know we'll need to pay for all these damages!" Kimura brings a hand to his head full of lush hair and clenches it so hard a few strands break off.

"The doorway seemed unsafe. Too many bystanders." Sakamoto plants his gun on the ground next to him.

Staff rush on-screen to confiscate his weapon before the police are called.

_CONTESTANT NUMBER 10_

"Nobody ever remembers my name... all my life, I've been the one left out of everything."

A man sits on a bench outside Shinjuku station, people passing him by one after the other until their forms turn into streaks of light and color.

"So this is why you went into cooking, Ikuta-san?"

Toma turns towards the camera with a questioning look, cross-legged on his little bed.

"No, I actually work in real-estate. Why do you ask?"

The backdrop melts into the visage of a shrine, tiny flecks of snowflakes falling down from the sky. Toma stands in front of the shrine with his palms pressed together.

"Even my own friends have forgotten about me before... I must just be a forgettable type of person, I guess." Toma laughs and shrugs his shoulders.

Steam drifts up from a pot on the stove in his apartment. Toma gently stirs the spaghetti noodles in the boiling water.

_HIDDEN CULINARY TALENT_

"I'm kind of a simple guy, so I guess simple foods suit me pretty well..."

In the other room, Toma's form can be seen walking back and forth through a crack in the door, cell phone pressed to his ear.

"Mom, it's _Toma_. No, your _second_ son..."

Back to the Tokyo Sky Tree. Toma walks in dressed in a stylish Gap jacket. The other contestants look at him blankly.

"Hey guys."

A long silence stretches through the group.

Toma shifts awkwardly.

Nino pushes his glasses up on his nose. "...well, that was underwhelming."

_CONTESTANT NUMBER 11_

"I just love animals. Animals are my favorite."

A brunette man with a thick scarf cocks his head to the side with a little grin.

"Do you know a lot of recipes for various types of meats then, Joshima-san?"

Joshima's hands fly to his face and he utters a deep gasp. "I would _never_ eat an animal! How could you even suggest that?!"

Joshima gently feeds a gray mouse a kernel of corn in its woodchip-filled cage. The camera pans out to reveal a room filled to the brim with various types of animals, from cats and dogs to parrots and ferrets and even a cow in the corner.

"I share an affinity with animals--I understand them; they understand me. It's a mutual thing."

Walking down the sidewalks of Nara eating a sweet potato, Joshima meets a deer and pets its head softly. Another deer approaches. And another. A giant deer face appears in front of the camera.

"But I guess if we're talking about food, I like to experiment with different vegetable dishes, and things I can feed to all my friends, of course."

Joshima sits at his kitchen table watching TV and eating red beans and rice. His animals are all seated in their own chairs, similar plates in front of them. The cow leans over Joshima's shoulder and pushes his face in the rice as Joshima laughs.

"My mom keeps telling me I'll never find a nice man if I don't get rid of all the animals in my apartment." Joshima chuckles and runs a hand through his hair. "But I've found ways to... take _care_ of myself..."

Joshima is seen sleeping in his bed in an oversized tank-top, arms curled around the body of a giant German Shepherd. He murmurs into its neck.

Back to the Tokyo Sky Tree. Joshima walks on-screen in a large beige peacoat. A spotted guinea pig sits on his shoulder, nose twitching.

"What's with the rat?" Yoko's eyes go wide as he stares disconcertedly.

"It's not a rat, it's a guinea pig!" Joshima eyes him over his sunglasses, one hand reaching up to pet the guinea pig's head.

"More like rabies-infected swine!" Sakamoto reaches over the stick the staff have given him to replace his gun, jabbing Joshima's shoulder repeatedly as he winces in pain.

Nagase's eyes are fixated on the guinea pig, his body starting to shake.

_CONTESTANT NUMBER 12_

"Wait, all the other chefs dropped out?"

A man in an apron dusts off his hands in the middle of a busy restaurant kitchen.

"It seems so, but please don't worry, Shibutani-san, we've found other contestants, so the show will continue."

"By 'other contestants', who exactly are you talking about?"

Subaru is seen walking along the sidewalk in Shibuya, hands deep in his pockets. He sees the camera and starts walking faster.

"I'm not gonna be part of this anymore, ok? Leave me alone!"

The cameraman chases after him as he starts sprinting towards the station.

The screen changes to a cafe. Subaru is sitting across the table as a staff member hands him a small notecard.

Subaru reads from the card. "I'm so excited to be a part of this season's Top Chef Japan. There are a wealth of new things I would like to learn from the other contestants, and it will be a new experience living with them for twel-- _I have to live with these people?!_ "

The staff rush onscreen to shush him as he leaps to his feet.

"I've had my own restaurant now for twelve years--cooking's always been my passion."

Subaru appears back in his kitchen, sous chefs racing around him and preparing food to take out to the dining area.

"Which is why I think this whole thing is a fu--"

Back to the Tokyo Sky Tree. A disgruntled Subaru trudges his way over to the other contestants.

"Hi, hello, whatever."

"What a debbie-downer!" Aiba puts his hands on his hips.

"What now, but gray  
An aura thick  
What belays this man, betwixt?"

"And that's all our contestants for this season! It's sure to be a..." Kimura looks out across the group. Kusanagi clicks his heels merrily. "...great... competition!" He cringes, looking back towards the staff.

"I can't wait for all you guys to try my donut holes." Yamashita grins from ear to ear. Ohno's eyebrows furrow as his gaze turns downwards.

"I'm gonna kill myself before this f***ing contest is over." Subaru's mouth forms a thin line.

"Hey, where did Sparky go? Sparky?" Joshima starts peering around, sunglasses down on the tip of his nose as he searches the ground.

Nagase wipes a hand across his mouth as blood bubbles down from between his lips.

[--CUT TO COMMERCIAL--]

_Cocoa Wheats, Cocoa Wheats, can't be beat._

_They're the creamy hot cereal with the cocoa treat!_

_To grow big and strong, have lots of fun--_

_Eat Cocoa Wheats everyone!_

[--BACK TO YOUR SCHEDULED BROADCAST--]

Guests of the new Top Chef Japan stay at the world-renowned Tokyo Plaza Hotel, Tokyo's most exciting hotel experience. For reservations, call toll free: 1-800-759-3000.

Kimura is seen standing on the sidewalk of a deserted residential street.

"Due to some loss of funds from sponsors pulling out, we've had to relocate our guest chefs' living quarters from the Plaza Hotel to this share-house in Minami Senju."

The camera pans up to reveal a ramshackle two-story house. The gate is falling off its hinges and its shingles are rusted. Inside the house, futons have been laid out across the floor in mismatched patterns.

The chefs arrive.

"This place is awful--it's falling apart!" Nino is careful not to touch the walls.

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."

Sakamoto is seen crawling through the door. Yoko steps on his Kevlar by accident.

"What does that have to do with anything?!" Subaru thunks his bag down on the nearest futon.

The camera cuts away to a personal-interview with Toma.

"The house they gave us wasn't really that great..." He threads a hand through his curls in thought. "...didn't really help when Aiba decided it was too dark and suggested it needed a new window."

From an outside view of the house, a huge ball of flame erupts from the side, splinters of wood blasting into the nearby homes.

"I'm not sure that was the best solution..." Ohno kicks at a smoking piece of shrapnel.

"Look at all the sun now!" Aiba spreads his arms above his head.

"I always come prepared with ample supplies of ammunitions and explosives." Sakamoto, personal-interview. "In preparing for battle I have always found that plans are useless, but planning is indispensable."

"What the flying f*** is a deer doing in the sh*tter?!" Nagase leaps back from the bathroom door. A deer is drinking water from the toilet.

Joshima runs to the bathroom with his arms spread to either side. "Bambi's just thirsty!"

Ryo is wandering around aimlessly, looking up at the sky as he lets out a deep sigh.

"I don't think there's a single person in the group that gets along with someone else..." Yoko, personal-interview.

"This is my futon, and I don't want anyone getting within five feet of it!" Subaru is standing on his futon, voice rising above everyone else's.

"Come on everyone, let's dance!" Kusanagi begins tapping in the middle of the floor, sending errant bits of burnt debris onto the surrounding futons.

"Guys, I made pecan and maple Danish pastries!" Yamashita emerges from the kitchen with a tray of plump, sticky morsels.

Rain begins pouring down from the sky. It falls through the recently opened gaping hole in the wall and ceiling in big, heavy splatters.

"...morale was low the first night. Damn kids these days don't know the true cruelties of war." Sakamoto, personal-interview.

"That crazy general guy is really starting to get on my nerves." Nino, personal-interview.

"Do we have enough blankets to go around?" Toma has a blanket over his head, the rest of them in his arms as he walks from futon to futon. The electricity has short-circuited in the precipitation, and it's become difficult to see as the sun sets.

Cameras switch to night-vision mode.

"Nagase's hogging all the blankets!" Subaru stares accusingly at Nagase's futon, where he's seen piled beneath fifteen blankets.

"Nino, do you wanna share blankets with me? It'll be warmer." Aiba half-crawls half-squirms over to Nino's futon, where he's attempting to read his copy of the Ise Monogatari using a mini-booklight.

"What?! Go back to your futon!"

Aiba curls up beside him anyway, much to Nino's chagrin.

Across the room, Sakamoto has erected a pup-tent, surrounding it with inflatable barricades.

"I'd almost gotten to sleep despite the h***-hole we'd been forced to sleep in." Subaru, personal-interview. "But then that d*** hippie started dancing!"

"Everybody dance!"

Kusanagi starts clipping and clapping in the middle of the room, multi-colored spotlights whizzing back and forth.

"I'm gonna eat you alive, mother-f***er!!" A darkened shape goes sailing across the room to head-butt Kusanagi, sending both of them flying out the smoldered remains of the wall.

A lone shape appears walking back and forth between the futons, head downcast in his blanket parka.

"...is everyone asleep? There wasn't a futon left for me..."

The rain drips down on Toma's head as he shivers from the cold.

"I think they forgot there were twelve contestants, as they only left us eleven futons..." Toma, personal-interview.

He glances downwards. Joshima's in the nearest futon, whispy snores coming from between his lips as he curls closer to the adult panda lying next to him.

There's a shift of movement from the other direction as Ryo pulls back the blanket on his own futon. Toma joins him wordlessly.

Darkened shadows  
Moving in the night  
What ho, a light 

"Ryo's a pretty nice guy. I never know how to respond to those weird poems of his though..." Toma, personal-interview.

"That night was awful. I half-wished a bolt of lightning would come down and kill all of us." Yoko, personal-interview.

"I'm feeling really good about today's challenge. I've never slept better in my life!" Yamashita, personal-interview.

[--COMMERCIAL BREAK--]

_PIZZZAAAAAAAAA-----!!!!_

_Pizza in the morning, pizza in the evening, pizza at supper time..._

_When pizza's on a bagel, you can eat pizza anytime!_

_Bagel Bites--bite-sized pizzas on wholesome little bagels._

[--BACK TO YOUR SCHEDULED BROADCAST--]

It's time for the first challenge. Our twelve chefs will go head to head in a contest of culinary wit and skill as they face-off in our specially arranged Top Chef kitchen.

Kimura is standing in an old, mildly dirty kitchen. There are multiple rows of counters with shelves, and ovens line the outer walls. Moldy water drips down from one of the ceiling vents.

"That's right, ladies and gentlemen. It's time for our very first cooking competition, right here in our beautiful... kitchen..." Kimura turns around to survey what could barely be described as a healthy working area.

"...apparently, the Top Chef kitchen has seen better years."

_TODAY'S CHALLENGE_

Today's challenge will pit our chefs in a contest of portable food. That's right, today's challenge is sponsored by Bagel Bites®, bite-sized pizzas on wholesome little bagels.

A giant CG frying pan zooms across the screen, spinning to a halt with the words "First Challenge" etched across its front.

When the scene returns to the kitchen, all the chefs are present, each situated at their own counter.

Kimura stands in the center.

"Alright, chefs. For this first challenge, we're asking you to use all your chefly ingenuity. The folks that created Bagel Bites®, bite-sized pizzas on wholesome little bagels, combined two highly different items into one delicious dish. So for this challenge, you must take two different types of dishes and combine them into one unique, yet tasty dish!"

Kimura glances around at the many blank faces that meet his speech.

"...why do I even try?"

He trudges off-screen as a giant timer appears in the top-right corner.

"You have three hours, starting... _now!_ "

A giant buzzer sounds.

No one moves.

Finally, Subaru trudges slowly off towards one of the refrigerators to find some ingredients.

"I'm not exactly worried about my competition--none of these idiots have even cooked before." Subaru, personal-interview.

Pulling out some dough and cheese from one of the shelves, he begins hauling various spices and food stuffs to his counter.

"I thought I'd try something a bit simple for my first dish--everyone likes cheese, right? So I'm thinking, what about taking a comfort food like mac and cheese, and mixing it up with something more formal like manicotti?" Subaru, personal-interview.

Subaru is seen starting work on his homemade noodles.

"I'm trying to think back to some of the dishes they make at my restaurant... we're just a little gyuudon place, but I thought I might be able to get some inspiration." Yoko, personal-interview.

Yoko is seen standing in front of one of the nearby shelves, eyes searching their contents.

"Maybe if I start from typical gyuudon..." He scratches his chin. "And add in something you wouldn't expect."

"Outta my way, b****es!" Nagase is seen stomping across towards the nearest fridge. He knocks over Ohno who'd been standing there, sending him careening into a nearby set of shelves.

"When I think about the two things I love the most, it's definitely meat and ice cream, f*** yeah!" Nagase, personal-interview. "So I knew right away what I was gonna make! Only the best mother-f***ing dish in the godd*** world!"

Nagase takes a ginormous bloody hunk of beef out of the fridge, slamming it down on his counter as blood splays off to cover Joshima's face, whose counter is next-door.

Joshima's eyes widen in paralyzed horror.

"He's just awful! I hate him! I've never met a more disgusting, vile oaf of a man in my entire life!" Joshima, personal-interview.

Joshima kneels down where a family of mice has gathered at his feet. "I need some tofu, can you get some for me?"

The mice nod in affirmation and scurry off towards the nearest fridge as Joshima pulls a cutting board out from beneath his counter.

"You don't normally think about tofu and salads together, so I thought I might try whipping up a different kind of salad. Healthy, _and_ delicious!" Joshima, personal-interview.

The camera pans over to the next counter which is empty for some reason.

"I uncovered a treacherous plan on the way over this morning. That b***ard with the silky locks is trying to off me!" Sakamoto, personal-interview. "But he'll see, I won't let him catch me off guard! I'll get him first!"

Sakamoto is seen crouched beneath his counter in full combat ACUs, speaking into a walkie-talkie.

"Code-red, repeat, this is a code-red... I'm going to need more fire-power."

"That general guy just disappeared... I had no idea where he went. Maybe he bailed and escaped while he could. He's smarter than me, I guess." Nino, personal-interview.

Nino is seen at his counter, staring down at a container of cup-ramen and some various vegetables he'd pulled off one of the shelves.

"You don't suppose just adding some vegetables to ramen would count as two different dishes, do you?"

"Nino, Nino, try some of my frosting!" Aiba bounces over to Nino's side with a bowl of creamy white frosting.

"Not now, Aiba, I'm trying to develop some sort of strategy here..."

"I'm combining cake _and_ cookies!!" Aiba, personal-interview. "'Cuz you know, sometimes you want cake, but sometimes you want cookies--so why not have them both _at the same time!_ "

Aiba has a giant mixer going on top of his counter, lopping off sticks of butter and Crisco®, along with cupfuls of sugar into the rapidly spinning batter.

"I'll call it... 'Cakie'!"

At Ohno's counter, he's started an outdoor bonfire on top of the tile and is currently at work spearing fish on sticks to balance over the top.

"I really only know fish, so... I'm just gonna go with that." Ohno, personal-interview.

Fish after fish after fish gets skewered on sticks. He starts balancing them on the nearby shelves.

"There's quite a fishy scent in the air, ohoho!" Kusanagi spins and twirls his way between the fridges, collecting ingredients. He bumps into Yoko, who'd just hauled a large package of fish paste down towards his counter, and both of them go tumbling.

"I'm adding a little bit of _magic_ to my dish today!" Kusanagi, personal-interview. "The judges will never know what hit them!"

Kusanagi is seen mixing a large bowl, bits of cream-colored batter splashing out to litter his jaunty, sequined shirt.

Across the room, Yamashita has just taken a pan of cream puffs out of the oven, carefully handling it with his oven mitts until they're safely down on his counter. Behind him is an entire shelf filled with other pans of cream puffs he's already taken out.

"I can feel the love in each and every pastry. It's really inspirational." Yamashita, personal-interview. "I feel like I'm mixing up tiny pieces of my soul to share with all those around me."

Blowing gently, Yamashita waits for the cream puffs to cool off, already at work setting up his mixer for the fluffy, tangy meringue he's about to start.

"I think they forgot me again..." Toma, personal-interview. "I'm not really one to cry, but it's starting to hurt..."

Toma stands off by himself, counter-less, staring at the others as they work on their dishes.

"I mean, it's one thing to miscount a few futons, but they knew from the beginning there were twelve contestants, so why were there not twelve counters?"

After a few minutes, Ryo notices from his countertop a few over and gestures towards Toma, who reluctantly sidles his way across the room.

"They forget you again?"

"...it seems like it..."

"Yo, emo-boy. Who's that little sh*tter you're talkin' to, never seem him before in my life." Nagase glances up as he samples some of the raw meat he's just cut, blood dripping down his chin.

"I was with you the whole night!!" Toma slams his hand down on Ryo's countertop, tears gathering in the corners of his eyes.

"He just seems really down, man. Like... calling out for help, you know?" Ryo, personal-interview. "I just wanna help him."

"I wrote a poem for you this morning."

"A poem?" Toma watches as Ryo chops a few stalks of asparagus.

" _Chocolate hair_  
A forlorn face  
Tender young sprouts of seaweed."

"...............that's nice."

"I've decided to make oden gyuudon!" Yoko smiles into the camera from in front of his counter. There's a small rice-cooker nearby with steam coming out the top. "It's definitely different, right?"

He's molding little pieces of fish paste in his hands as water boils on top of his stove.

"I figure people like gyuudon and oden, right? So it's gotta taste good together."

Across the room, Nagase has pulled out a blender and is loading chunks of bloody meat into it.

"S'one of those industrial strength blenders, yo!" He piles meat into it until the lid barely even fits, then smashes it down with his hands and turns it on. "F*** yeah!!" It jerks and bounces on top of the counter, splayed meat juices and blood flying out the sides to decorate his clothes and hair.

A large chunk of meat lands on top of Joshima's head and he freezes instantly, face turning blue as he begins shaking uncontrollably.

At the same time, Sakamoto comes out from beneath his counter, crawling on the ground stealthily until he's beneath Joshima's feet. Yanking on Joshima's shoulder, he pulls him to the ground beside him, the head of lettuce he'd been chopping flying out of his hands, and the knife whizzing across to chop off Nagase's finger. Nagase shrugs and adds it to the fleshy concoction in the mixer.

"Soldier, can I rely on you for this mission?" Sakamoto's voice is hissed, barely audible.

"W-what?!" Joshima's eyes are wide as he searches Sakamoto's face in confusion.

"I'm going to need allies if I'm to come out of this alive. They're trying to kill me, you see. But I'm way ahead of them--I've already installed a bomb beneath this room!"

"A BOMB?!?" Joshima jerks upwards and hits his head on the counter with a sharp thwack.

"Yeah, things really started to get out of control pretty fast." Subaru, person-interview. "That one guy kept dancing all over the place, people were using the oven that didn't even know how to set the timers, blood was flying everywhere..."

Subaru's eyes are surveying the surrounding room as he finishes molding his pieces of dough, boiling pot of water already ready to drop them in.

"Not gonna lie here, but I'm a little bit concerned for my safety..." He heads back over to the nearest fridge to find some cheese.

Nearby, Aiba is pouring his cake batter into a round pan, licking the rest of it off his fingers.

"I wasn't sure if it would be sweet enough, so I doubled the amount of sugar!"

Once the vanilla batter is in, he takes a separate bowl of chocolate batter and begins ribboning it through. "This is gonna be the best cake EVER!"

Next to him, Nino is chopping vegetables, his fingers already covered in bandages. He glances up sheepishly at the camera. "...apparently I'm worse with a knife than I thought..."

"If I'm unable to write my final essays due to hand injuries after this, I'm suing the management." Nino, personal-interview.

Across the room, Yamashita has moved on from cream puffs, now making chocolate éclairs. The entire back wall is full of various types of pastries, some of them starting to fall off and litter the floor.

"I never know how much of things to make... I mean, what if I didn't have enough? I would feel just awful." Yamashita, personal-interview.

Yamashita brings a taste of chocolate to his mouth, musing on it for a moment, then smiling up at the camera. "Superb!"

Kusanagi clicks his heels as he waltzes by, only to have a pile of éclairs fall on his head as he attempts to retrieve a pan from a shelf.

"I really don't know what to make..." Toma is staring down at Ryo's countertop, nothing even started yet.

"You should make what you feel."

"But I don't feel anything! Except frustrated."

He watches as Ryo starts chopping some daikon.

"What are you making, anyway?"

"Me?" Ryo glances down as well, finally taking in the ten different piles of vegetables he's already chopped, now lining the outside of the countertop. "...I don't really know. I just felt like cutting things."

Toma takes a wary step backwards.

Behind him, Ohno is sitting, watching his fish cook over his bonfire. A few of them towards the bottom are beginning to grow black and charred, the branches glowing hot and red.

"I'm not really sure how long you're supposed to cook fish... the black parts add flavor, right?"

He reaches a finger out to try and touch one, but immediately pulls it back with a yelp, blowing on it. He doesn't touch them again.

Smoke starts drifting up from their crispy, charcoaly bodies.

Nagase has finished mincing his meat, bloody pulp dripping down the sides of the blender and lining his countertop. He wipes off his hands and heads back towards the utility-size freezer.

"Now for the real treat!" He pulls out a two-gallon jug of vanilla ice cream. Slamming it down on top of the counter, he finds the biggest bowl he can and starts shoveling it in before pouring the liquidized meat on top. "Meat shakes for all, mother f***er!!"

"Yes, a bomb! But hush man, do you want to reveal my strategy?!" Sakamoto's hand slaps down on Joshima's mouth. "I've set it to go off on a very specific series of morse-coded rhythms."

Joshima glances down as one of his mice-friends scuttles up behind him, squeaking and waving its little arms.

"Huh, what is it? Munson got his head stuck in the freezer?" He leaps to his feet in a panic, head on a swivel. Across the room is the body of a giraffe, its head stuck in one of the upper freezers. "Munson!!" Joshima gallops off in a flurry of blood and meat-chunks.

"Nino, Nino! Taste one of my cookies!" Aiba sets a few of his finished cookies on a small tray and bounces over to Nino's side.

"Not now, I'm cooking my ramen, Aiba." Nino gives the pot on his stove another swish with his spaghetti spoon.

"But Nino, I _neeeed_ you..."

Nino pauses in his cooking with his eyebrows furrowed.

"...to try it! I always have a tester when I cook!"

Aiba's practically dancing on the balls of his feet now, so Nino reluctantly turns towards him, a hand out to try one of the rich, chocolately cream-filled cookies Aiba is so eagerly holding out for him.

He brings the cookie to his mouth and takes a hesitant bite.

"Oh..." Nino chews. Then stops. Then chews. Then takes another bite. "This is, uh... pretty good..."

"My cookies are the best!" Aiba is all smiles and supernova-like radiant light.

Nino stuffs the rest of the cookie in his mouth, barely even able to chew it as his cheeks bulge out.

On his stove, the water begins bubbling up over the sides of his pot, hissing as it falls down on the heated surface. By the time Nino notices and looks over, there's a roiling froth of bubbles and boiling water pouring down over the side, across the stove, onto the floor.

"Shit!" Cookie sprays out of Nino's mouth as he dashes back.

Lifting the pot up from the burner, he holds it off to the side, but the water keeps boiling, spilling over the edges and down onto the handle towards his grip. In a moment of panic, he hurls the pot away from him, boiling water and all, sailing through the air towards the fridge.

It doesn't stop until it hits Munson's rear end.

The hot water spurts out all over the top of the animal's hide, singing and popping.

Munson's eyes shoot open and he jumps from the refrigerator, front legs raised in the air as an awful neighing sound fills the kitchen.

"You scalded Munson!" Joshima's voice rises two octaves.

"It smells like f***ing burnt animal hair in here!"

Munson neighs again, legs spiraling in front of him. Then he takes off, galloping towards the other side of the room. Pots and pans clatter and clank as they fall to the floor. Shelves get toppled over, contents strewed across the tile.

"That animal's crazed!" Sakamoto ducks under the nearest counter.

Yoko looks up from his gyuudon just in time to see a pair of red-veined giraffe eyes charging him.

He screams.

With a horrible thud, the giraffe rams into his side, bucking him into the air. He sails across the room, all heads turning from left to right as they follow his flight.

He lands with a clunk, rolling across the tile, and promptly running into Ohno. Ohno jerks forward, off-balance and teetering back and forth. Grabbing onto the nearby shelf to regain his balance, he knocks the sticks holding his fish up to the ground. They clatter and roll and fly out across the kitchen, blackened, charred fish sending flames dancing between the counters.

"Munson!" Joshima chases after the maddened giraffe.

"My head..." Yoko tries to sit up, one hand to his temple.

"My fish--!!" Ohno twirls around, foot hitting his bonfire and sending more flaming wood out into the kitchen.

"Fire, fire, fire!!" Nagase takes a hold of his blender of meatshake and flings it out into the building blaze. Instead of putting it out, though, the fatty juices and acids in the meat increase the size and intensity of the flames, orange and reds lapping up at the ceiling as they travel along the shelves and countertops.

Part of it splatters across Joshima as he stumbles after his giraffe friend. He freezes, looking down at his clothes and hands now covered in bloody, chunky ice cream, then his eyes roll back in his head and he faints to the floor.

"My cream puffs!!" Yamashita has his hands to the sides of his face as he watches in agony, the flames reaching the shelves with his pastries and dancing into a flurry from the high fat and sugar contents in each plump puff. He picks up one of the rugs from the floor and tries fanning at the tumultuous orange sea. The dancing flames practically erupt, surging out to begin eating up the éclairs. The rug in his hand catches on fire and he flings it away with a yelp.

"What are we gonna do?!" Ohno frantically dodges the flaming rubble scattered around the room as he hops and skips towards Nino and Aiba. All three gaze up in fear and wonder as the fire billows around them. Thick, black smoke fills the air above them.

"There's gotta be a way to put it out, right?" Yoko is still holding his throbbing head, stamping down on his foot as his shoe catches on fire while maneuvering towards the middle of the room.

Munson's rear-end has caught on fire, the mighty giraffe now tumbling and rampaging across the room, back and forth, spreading the flames. Soon his entire body is engulfed, one giant flaming giraffe, tossing and spinning.

Nagase silently grabs the knife from his countertop, holding it behind his back as he licks his lips.

"We're all going to burn alive!!!" Yamashita is down on his knees, hands up towards the ceiling.

"Back, back I say! Don't come near this oven!" Subaru has his hands out to guard against the flames, protecting the oven where his manicotti continues to bake to golden perfection.

Then all of a sudden comes a rush of noise and thick heavy rain is falling down over them, covering everything, pittering and pattering across the countertops. The fire shrinks, dense smoke erupting and drifting towards the ceiling. Lower and lower, until only a tiny flame is left, and then even that goes out.

They stand wordless in the center of the room as the sprinklers above them pump out water on top of their heads. The wreckage around them smolders and hisses.

Almost synchronized, they turn towards the other side of the room, where Toma has his hand on the emergency sprinkler handle.

Ryo stands behind him.

"Lo, what's this?  
Rain to grace the heads of men  
To cool the raging fires."

Toma blinks. "That actually wasn't _that_ bad..."

"Fires that build within our loins  
Loins of meat  
Henceforth, a feast!"

Toma's eyebrows furrow. He opens his mouth, but then closes it.

"We've been saved!" Yoko's arms fly into the air.

"A staff member saved our lives!" Aiba starts jumping up and down.

"F***in' ace, man! Go staff!"

Toma's lip quivers silently. Then he erupts into tears, face buried down into his shirt sleeve. Ryo calmly comforts him in his degradation.

"My manicotti is saved!" Subaru starts crying his own tears, joyfully opening his oven as the perfectly-cooked manicotti radiates a heavenly glow.

"I'm back, gentleman! I had to sneak out to find the perfect ingredient!" Kusanagi leaps into the room with gentle grace. "Everybody, dance!"

With a tit and a tatter, he taps out a delightful set of taps on the tiled floor.

The bomb clicks into place.

There's a thunderous explosion as the building erupts in flames.

[---COMMERCIAL BREAK---]

_Picture pages, picture pages, time to get your picture pages, time to get your crayons and your pencils._

_Picture pages, picture pages, open up your picture pages, time to watch Bill Cosby do a Picture Page with you!_

"Well, there you are and here I am, and this is the way I looked in school way back in the horse and buggy days, you see I had this really _mean_ teacher... named Miss Camille, and whenever I'd say the wrong thing, she'd say..."

"William, march yourself right into that corner and put that dunce cap on your head."

"And that's how I'd wind up over here wearing a dunce cap--

[---BACK TO YOUR SCHEDULED BROADCAST---]

Kimura stands in front of the wreckage, white suit stained with black smudges and his hair completely fritzed.

"...I'm sorry to inform all you watching at home, that this will be the last episode of Top Chef Japan. Unforeseeable circumstances have led us into a bit of a sticky situation. There's no need to be alarmed. Everything is of course fine! We simply--"

The camera starts to turn towards the smoldering wreckage behind him, where people can be seen emerging from the smoking pile.

"--w-wait, stop that, stay on me!"

Sakamoto is the first one out. His ACUs are scuffed, but aside from that, his appearance seems unchanged.

"Neither a wise nor a brave man lies down on the tracks of history to wait for the train of the future to run over him." He looks at Kimura and salutes. "It was a good war. My work here is done." With a crisp step, he begins marching off towards the street while Kimura looks back towards the camera, wordless.

Next is Yamashita. He limps slowly towards Kimura, hair frazzled and apron covered in soot. "I-... I can still smell them... my cream puffs..." His hands curl upwards as tears brim in his eyes. He walks on without another word.

Kusanagi is right behind him. He stumbles along, head rotating right and left listlessly. "C-...conductor... could you start that one again... from the top...?" He raises his finger in inquiry, bumbling past Kimura unawares.

Yoko and Ohno are the next out, helping each other free from the steaming wreckage, pieces of their clothes and hair burned off with wisps of steam rising from their bodies.

They trudge over, Ohno's arm around Yoko's shoulder just to stay on his feet.

"We're still getting paid for this, right?"

Ohno's head swings up towards Kimura's as they pass. "Remind me to thank John for a lovely weekend..."

Nagase emerges next with a grunt, pulling himself up and free from the dismantled building. He has an unconscious, rather blackened Joshima strapped to his back.

"F***ing prodigious, man. Was not expecting that explosion at the end, holy s**t!" His permed hair has completely unraveled, smoke rising up from his half-charred afro.

"W-well, it wasn't exactly plann--"

"No time to chat, dude! Gots ta get home and get dinner goin'!" He gestures to the lump on his back before giving a whistle and walking off.

Kimura's eyes narrow in horrified concern as he watches him leave.

Nino and Aiba aren't far behind, stumbling over before Kimura has a chance to say anything.

"My Cakieeeee..." Aiba is sobbing, bits of charred cakes remains between his fingers as he stares down at them.

"You'll have plenty of opportunities to make more Cakie again, I'm sure..." Nino tries to offer him a hopeful smile.

"R-... _really_?" Aiba's eyes brim with shining tears as he gazes towards him.

"Well, sure, I mean, it's not like the joke of a kitchen here was any better than any other kitchen you might use, and you can get the ingredients anywhe--"

"You're the best, Nino!" Aiba leaps on Nino's back with a giant hug, nearly sending him to the ground.

"A-...Aiba, air... I need air... please don't kill me before my finals!"

They walk past without even acknowledging Kimura's presence.

"I have _had_ it! This is the last straw!" Subaru stomps over, throwing his chef's hat to the ground with a huff. His cheeks are covered with black char. "I am going to sue your a**es, you scumbags! You forced me into this joke of a show, made me sleep with... with... with these insane _maniacs_ , a-and now you--"

A staff member steps up to Kimura, handing him an envelope. Kimura hands the envelope to Subaru.

Subaru blinks, looking down at the envelope. Peeking inside, he finds a check for an exorbitant amount of money.

"Oh. Uh. Well."

"We trust that none of this will get out to the rest of the, er, cooking world, right, Shibutani-san?"

"Of-...of course, yes, that's right." Subaru shifts awkwardly, then offers a quick bow. "Good day, gentlemen." He walks swiftly off after the others.

Ryo and Toma are the last to make it out of the wreckage. Toma limps along sadly after Ryo, head trained towards the ground. "Why can't even one person remember me?"

Ryo turns back to look at him.

"What ample thoughts  
Left behind in the cold  
Would be for me  
To protect so bold."

Toma looks up at him blankly, wisps of smoking rising from his hair. He flings his arms out with a shout. "What the f*** did that mean?!?"

Ryo's eyes turn down in response, and he bites his lip.

"...did you wanna come home with me tonight?"

Toma blinks, mouth held open.

"O-oh." He looks down as well. "...okay."

They smile at each other shyly. Toma walks up beside him as Ryo takes his hand, and then the two of them walk off-screen, perfectly content.

Kimura's eyes go back to the camera as he stares completely wordless.

Then the screen goes black.


End file.
